The Lakers Are Dead: An Obituary

4 Jul

It is with great sorrow that we hereby announce the passing of our once great basketball team, the Lakers.  The Lakers as an organization had been gravely ill for years.  In fact, twice in the past  11 years they had a near-brush with death but miraculously managed to pull through.  Sadly, not this time.  On Saturday, July 4th, 2015 at 9 AM PST, the Lakers passed away alone and broke.  The disheveled, unrecognizable body was discovered on the sands of Santa Monica Beach in a pool of vomit and shame.

But the death was not unexpected.  On the days leading up to Saturday Lakers looked increasingly ragged, sickly, hung-over and quite often doped up.  Alarmed by its delusional and irrational state, the fans and friends tried to help bring the realization that the organization was on a path to self-destruction but the Lakers would have none of it.  Convinced of its own eternal greatness, the Lakers repeated its delusions of past grandeur, of how it was going to reclaim its lost empire and prove its critics wrong.  A short while ago the fans had suspected that the Lakers were not of sound mind when they had talked about reviving the 1980s Showtime era and amateurishly given up a bundle of future assets to bring in a washed-up, old, broken-down and severely overpriced Steve Nash with the laughable thoughts of the 40 year old warrior doing the same thing that the 19 year old Magic Johnson had done.  Still, feeling sorry for the poor sap, the fans had indulged the Lakers.  However, the situation severely spiraled out of control when Steve Nash couldn’t even get on his horse and the other old, washed-up, broken-down warrior, Kobe Bryant, kept falling off of his horse.  At that point, everyone knew that the Lakers were doomed and now a danger to themselves.   On July 4th, every Lakers fan’s worst nightmare came to fruition and the once-proud team died a horrible death.

Our condolences to the entire Lakers fan base.

Also see:


3 Responses to “The Lakers Are Dead: An Obituary”

  1. Jay July 4, 2015 at 9:11 pm #


    • ronhawkster July 4, 2015 at 9:46 pm #

      Enjoy it while you can! Your gain is the Lakers’ loss.


  1. REPORT: LeBron James to play for Spurs for a song and a dance | hawksterreport - July 6, 2015

    […] In other news, the Lakers are still dead: an Obituary: […]

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