NEWSFLASH: NBA cancels season, hands trophy to Spurs, parade to be held immediately

6 Jul

Reports have emerged that indicate NBA has just made a decision.  In light of the massive defection of free agents to San Antonio, NBA’s executive officers hastily arranged an emergency meeting to discuss the fate of the league.  Supposedly, one owner whose name starts with Mark and ends with Cuban said “What’s the use of a regular season?  San Antonio is going to win all 82 games by 50 or more points.”  Another NBA exec who was busy counting his money said: “yeah”. After calls poured in from NBA front offices that season ticket holders of teams other than the Spurs were hogging up phone lines, cancelling their season tickets, another exec who might be named Mitch Kupchak said “What’s the use?  Why even try? Nobody wants to come play for me and everyone wants to play for the Spurs.  I quit.”

Other owners expressed similar concerns.  Said one: “Why would I want to overpay a bunch of spoiled players just so that my home crowd shows up only to root for the Spurs?”  Said another owner: “I agree.  In fact when the Spurs come to town I’m going to root for them myself.”  “I can’t overcharge for $7 hotdogs and $25 parking under these circumstances anymore.” Another one said: “I know my players are going to come play wearing masks because they know they’re going to be embarrassed by the shellacking they’re about to get.”

The clincher came when the owner of Minnesota Wolves removed his shirt to show his newly minted Spurs Jersey.  After that, NBA quickly made the decision to cancel the entire 2015-2016 season, simply hand over the trophy to San Antonio and call it a day.  Everyone knew that’s what the end result would be so why watch games whose outcomes you already know?

Jun 4, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan (21) speaks to the media after practice before game one of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at the AT&T Center. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Jun 4, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan (21) speaks to the media after practice before game one of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at the AT&T Center. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

In other news, Tim Duncan announced that he has agreed to a 25 year contract with San Antonio for 15 cents a year.  When asked for comment nice-guy Timmy said: “I might be 75 by the time I’ll retire but who cares?  I’ll have 40 trophies to find a place for.  Would you like me to wash your car for you? It’s no trouble, really.”

Update: The NBA executive office has announced that in place of the canceled season, there will be a rotating championship parade for the Spurs in every major U.S. city.

Update: Tim Duncan has just announced he has signed yet another contract to play for the Spurs for another 50 years after he passes away.

Earlier NEWSFLASH: LeBron James agrees to jump ship and join the Spurs for minimum wage: http://wp.me/p2wEfU-1Q

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