NEWSFLASH: The Lakers were dead and now the Clippers are dying too.

7 Jul

It’s with great sadness that we announce the passing away of another great Los Angeles team, the Clippers.  After bravely fighting a long battle against illness, the Clippers finally woke up for a year but right after that they died again instantly.  The team is survived by its heart-broken fans who for a little while mistook them for a real team.


While this is the only time the Lakers have died in recent memory, the Clippers are trying to successfully die a second time.  The first time the Clippers died was when they got rid of Donald Sterling and unseated the NBA champions, the San Antonio Spurs.  In doing that, the old losing Clippers died and a new, more confident and winning one was born.  However, not long after that, on their way to winning the NBA championship they had a brush with death again.  They had Houston Rockets on the ropes and killing them.  Up 3-1 against Houston, they gave them one win to return home where they stormed to a 20 point lead late in game.  Then suddenly and inexplicably they began to miss their own good old losing selves and decided to start losing again.  They thought to themselves “oh, this winning thing is not all it’s cracked up to be.  We used to be happier when we were miserable.”  Even though Houston tried to lose the series really hard and let the Clippers go all the way, the Clippers would have none of it.  They rolled over and played dead.  They had the most disgraceful exit of any team in the history of basketball and effectively died again.

Then DeAndre Jordan decided to bolt to another Texas team down the road from Houston, the Dallas Mavericks, to make sure that the Clippers stay dead and don’t magically come alive.  Some say this was because the Clippers changed their logo which was so bad that Jordan he had no choice to bolt.  Others say he left because he didn’t want to play for a team whose point guard had two first names. Yet others say he did not want to play third fiddle, because it was too much pressure, and so he accepted $80 million from the Mavs to play the fourth fiddle for them.  Whatever it was, Jordan was gone. Things got so bad that even the coach’s son, Austin Rivers, decided to ditch his dad’s team and go look for another team. Perhaps he, too, will move to Texas because the state has already named a town after Austin Rivers.

So not only the city of Los Angeles does not have any football teams now, it doesn’t have any live basketball teams either.  The only question remaining is can Los Angeles support two dead basketball teams playing in the same building, and if so, should the Staples Center be called The Zombie Center?

Speaking of centers, the Clippers don’t have any.

P.S.: On Thursday, July 9th, the Clippers fans breathed a collective sigh of relief as heavens smiled on them and the basketball gods resurrected them as DeAndre Jordan reversed his earlier decision to join the Mavericks.  What really changed his mind?  He watched one episode of The Shark Tank and saw Mark Cuban’s performance and that was enough.


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