BREAKING NEWS: JORDAN WARS! Clippers and Mavericks declare war over DeAndre Jordan, begin shooting

8 Jul

In a stunning turn of events, the Los Angeles Clippers and the Dallas Mavericks escalated their dispute over the free agent former Clipper, center DeAndre Jordan and formally declared war.  At this very minute, the coach of the Clippers, Doc Rivers, along with owner Steve Ballmer, forward Blake Griffin and guards J.J. Riddick and Chris Paul are on a flight to Houston.  Likewise, the Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban and his contingent of bad people are on their way to the Not Okay Corral at this very minute.  Cuban’s team includes a fearsome posse of outlaw gunslingers such as Bignose Buckshot Roberts, Bigass James Riley, Lardass Festus McBubbles, Badass Buford McHenry, and Fatass  Dick ‘I shot Jesse James in the back’ McDickens.  It’s widely known that Mr. McBubbles once shot a cactus tree in the back.

The two contingents are rumored to be heading there to do battle right there in Houston International Airport’s transit area.  According to Texas law public shoot-outs are perfectly permissible and in fact encouraged.  It is supposed to be a classic Texas shootout from which nobody would possibly come out alive.  Cuban is said to have become so mad that he punched Dirk Nowitzki because he was too chicken to participate in the shootout.  “You’re yella,” he is rumored to have yelled at dirk and thrown the ball in his face.

Shaken up by these rumors, the NBA boss, Adam Silver, just issued a statement declaring NBA’s neutrality in the hot conflict and urging everyone to observe restraint.  But upon hearing both Ballmer and Cuban shout at him “ahhhh shutttup” Silver promptly shut up and crawled under his desk.

Anonymous sources have indicated that DeAndre Jordan was quite pleased that someone is finally fighting over him: “Oh my!  If yall had done that to begin with we wouldn’t have to go through this right now.”.  Reportedly he has packed his bags and is patiently waiting for the winning wooer to come and sweep him off his feet.


Meanwhile, hearing that DeAndre was not completely committed to Dallas yet, Greg Popovich promptly got on a short flight and headed to Houston from the other end of Texas in order to lure DeAndre Jordan to the Spurs because he’s afraid he has not hoarded enough big name megastars on his team.  “Why,” he said, “I haven’t stolen a free agent from any other teams in 24 whole hours.”

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