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SHOCKER: Michael Jordan reveals NBA conspiracy, comes out of retirement to join the Spurs

7 Jul

NEWSFLASH: Michael Jordan has just decided it’s time to hang up his golf clubs, pick up his gun-belt and fly on his JordanPlane to San Antonio to strap his Spurs as well.


In a stunning turn of events, the avalanche of megastars joining the San Antonio Spurs has culminated in the unretirement of the basketball god, Michael Jordan.  In a statement released by his PR agent, Scotty Pippen, Michael Jordan revealed his plans for the upcoming season.

“After careful consideration, a great deal of soul searching and a few tequila shots, I realized that Tim Duncan doesn’t have enough trophies and doesn’t have enough help in trying to get those added trophies he is looking for. It appears as though there is a conspiracy in the NBA to prevent Tim Duncan from winning all the trophies that he wants.  The fact that the NBA allowed the Clippers to beat San Antonio with the roster they had proves the conspiracy.  Therefore, I have decided to remember the Alamo and take my talents to San Antonio Beach.  Furthermore, my PR agent, Scotty Pippen, who is reading this statement, is given the code ‘Mayday one to mayday two”, which is a wake-up sequence summoning all my teammates from my six championships.  With that sequence, the entire Bulls team of the 90s is now ordered to congregate in San Antonio and pledge their undying allegiance to Tim Duncan and his quest for numbers 6-12. Yes, that includes the Warriors coach, Steve Kerr.  We’ll need his threes because we don’t have enough.  Steve, drop everything and get your ass here, now.

The battle begins tonight.”

Michael Jordan has already come out of two previous retirements but both of them happened over fifteen years ago.  This is the longest retirement anyone has ever come out of.

In the meantime, the NBA is reconsidering its rules to see how it can facilitate the Spurs’ march to many more championships without any resistance by the rest of the NBA.  The NBA rules committee is currently studying a number of rule changes to disallow the opposition from scoring any points against the Spurs.  Furthermore, the Spurs are now allowed to bring their own referees to every game and fans are allowed to tackle opposition players.


Earlier NEWSFLASH: LeBron James agrees to jump ship and join the Spurs for minimum wage: