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NEWSFLASH: The Lakers were dead and now the Clippers are dying too.

7 Jul

It’s with great sadness that we announce the passing away of another great Los Angeles team, the Clippers.  After bravely fighting a long battle against illness, the Clippers finally woke up for a year but right after that they died again instantly.  The team is survived by its heart-broken fans who for a little while mistook them for a real team.


While this is the only time the Lakers have died in recent memory, the Clippers are trying to successfully die a second time.  The first time the Clippers died was when they got rid of Donald Sterling and unseated the NBA champions, the San Antonio Spurs.  In doing that, the old losing Clippers died and a new, more confident and winning one was born.  However, not long after that, on their way to winning the NBA championship they had a brush with death again.  They had Houston Rockets on the ropes and killing them.  Up 3-1 against Houston, they gave them one win to return home where they stormed to a 20 point lead late in game.  Then suddenly and inexplicably they began to miss their own good old losing selves and decided to start losing again.  They thought to themselves “oh, this winning thing is not all it’s cracked up to be.  We used to be happier when we were miserable.”  Even though Houston tried to lose the series really hard and let the Clippers go all the way, the Clippers would have none of it.  They rolled over and played dead.  They had the most disgraceful exit of any team in the history of basketball and effectively died again.

Then DeAndre Jordan decided to bolt to another Texas team down the road from Houston, the Dallas Mavericks, to make sure that the Clippers stay dead and don’t magically come alive.  Some say this was because the Clippers changed their logo which was so bad that Jordan he had no choice to bolt.  Others say he left because he didn’t want to play for a team whose point guard had two first names. Yet others say he did not want to play third fiddle, because it was too much pressure, and so he accepted $80 million from the Mavs to play the fourth fiddle for them.  Whatever it was, Jordan was gone. Things got so bad that even the coach’s son, Austin Rivers, decided to ditch his dad’s team and go look for another team. Perhaps he, too, will move to Texas because the state has already named a town after Austin Rivers.

So not only the city of Los Angeles does not have any football teams now, it doesn’t have any live basketball teams either.  The only question remaining is can Los Angeles support two dead basketball teams playing in the same building, and if so, should the Staples Center be called The Zombie Center?

Speaking of centers, the Clippers don’t have any.

P.S.: On Thursday, July 9th, the Clippers fans breathed a collective sigh of relief as heavens smiled on them and the basketball gods resurrected them as DeAndre Jordan reversed his earlier decision to join the Mavericks.  What really changed his mind?  He watched one episode of The Shark Tank and saw Mark Cuban’s performance and that was enough.


NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

7 Jul

NEWSFLASH: In a hastily arranged press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s titles.  Putin has always wanted to take coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy back to Kremlin and shove it inside his crowded trophy case.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved. But this amounts to a major coup for Vladimir who is no stranger to staging major coups.


The Moscow Basketshooters are currently ranked first in the MBA (Moscow Basketball Association).  They used to be called the Crimean Troublemakers until the team went through an ownership change through a hostile take-over by a rival team, the East Ukrainian Rebels.  Later it was revealed that the Rebels were owned by Vladimir Putin and the team as well as its arena were moved to Moscow using football sized trucks.  Ever since the move Vlad has taken his shirt off a number of times and played the center position for the team himself.  Putin is listed as 8′ 2″ in the Basketshooters’ media guide but he might be a couple of inches shorter.

The Spurs welcomed the news of Putin’s decision as it solves the central problem at the center.  Ever since the Spurs’ center, Tiago Splitter split the Spurs haven’t had a center at their center position.   Vladimir Putin is a solid center and has won several scoring titles during his reign as the center of the Moscow Basketshooters.  In every game that Vlad has played he has broken Wilt Chamberlain’s single game scoring record of 102.  During his last three games Vlad scored 108, 152 and 331 points.  He shot the ball 50 times and everyone counted as a basket.  Of course, Russian rules are a little different than NBA rules, as each basket is considered 2 or 3 points only when other players score it.  But when Vlad scores the basket it carries as many points as Vlad says it does.  The Spurs are hoping the NBA will change its rule to accommodate Vladimir Putin unless the NBA would like to be annexed by Russia.


Putin joins an already crowded Spurs team.  In the last three days not only have the Spurs been able to grab LeMarcus DeAldrige and LeAldridge DeMarcus, but they have also signed up LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Shaq O’Neal, Dennis Rodman, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Pete Rose and Muhammad Ali, just to name a few.  That’s in addition to resigning Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Kawhi Leonard and Dwight Howard who is still a champion.

Not all is rosy in the Spursland though.  The addition of Vladimir Putin poses a roster problem for the Spurs as they already have 39 players signed up and the NBA only allows 13 players on a roster.  But late Monday a report emerged that the NBA is changing its rules to not only allow the Spurs to have a roster of 39 players, but to allow all of them on the court at the same time to ensure the other team does not score even a single point.

Through Twitter Putin has expressed his excitement and said that he can’t wait for the start of the season to shatter all records, smash the opposition and blast his way through the play-offs using his air force.

NEWSFLASH: NBA cancels season, hands trophy to Spurs, parade to be held immediately

6 Jul

Reports have emerged that indicate NBA has just made a decision.  In light of the massive defection of free agents to San Antonio, NBA’s executive officers hastily arranged an emergency meeting to discuss the fate of the league.  Supposedly, one owner whose name starts with Mark and ends with Cuban said “What’s the use of a regular season?  San Antonio is going to win all 82 games by 50 or more points.”  Another NBA exec who was busy counting his money said: “yeah”. After calls poured in from NBA front offices that season ticket holders of teams other than the Spurs were hogging up phone lines, cancelling their season tickets, another exec who might be named Mitch Kupchak said “What’s the use?  Why even try? Nobody wants to come play for me and everyone wants to play for the Spurs.  I quit.”

Other owners expressed similar concerns.  Said one: “Why would I want to overpay a bunch of spoiled players just so that my home crowd shows up only to root for the Spurs?”  Said another owner: “I agree.  In fact when the Spurs come to town I’m going to root for them myself.”  “I can’t overcharge for $7 hotdogs and $25 parking under these circumstances anymore.” Another one said: “I know my players are going to come play wearing masks because they know they’re going to be embarrassed by the shellacking they’re about to get.”

The clincher came when the owner of Minnesota Wolves removed his shirt to show his newly minted Spurs Jersey.  After that, NBA quickly made the decision to cancel the entire 2015-2016 season, simply hand over the trophy to San Antonio and call it a day.  Everyone knew that’s what the end result would be so why watch games whose outcomes you already know?

Jun 4, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan (21) speaks to the media after practice before game one of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at the AT&T Center. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Jun 4, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan (21) speaks to the media after practice before game one of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at the AT&T Center. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

In other news, Tim Duncan announced that he has agreed to a 25 year contract with San Antonio for 15 cents a year.  When asked for comment nice-guy Timmy said: “I might be 75 by the time I’ll retire but who cares?  I’ll have 40 trophies to find a place for.  Would you like me to wash your car for you? It’s no trouble, really.”

Update: The NBA executive office has announced that in place of the canceled season, there will be a rotating championship parade for the Spurs in every major U.S. city.

Update: Tim Duncan has just announced he has signed yet another contract to play for the Spurs for another 50 years after he passes away.

Earlier NEWSFLASH: LeBron James agrees to jump ship and join the Spurs for minimum wage:

REPORT: LeBron James to play for Spurs for a song and a dance

6 Jul

Update: In a hastily arrange press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy for Kremlin.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved.

Earlier: EARTH SHATTERING NEWSFLASH: In a stunning development, LeBron James has left Cleveland Cavaliers and just announced that he, too, will sign with the Spurs for veteran’s minimum.  He said on his Twotitter account: “Winning another title at all costs is above and beyond and over my topmost other objectives. I am proud to say that I am joining forces with Poppy, Timmy, Kawhi, Tony, Manny, LeMarky, Danny, Westy, and Bonny to lead the Spurs to not one, not two, not three, not four, okay I’ll spare you the count, to many many titles.  Eff the rest of NBA.”


The LeBron announcement has caused an instant tidal wave.  Minutes later, Dwight Howard, too, renounced the remainder of his contract with Houston to announce that he’s joining the Spurs in chase for his first title and he will do it for minimum wage.  Not to be outdone, Kevin Durant has demanded that the Thunder to immediately trade him to San Antonio for a fifth round draft pick and ice cream considerations.  Reportedly, Kevin Durant has agreed to play for the Spurs for free. Kobe Bryant, too, has just tweeted that he is forgiving the $25 million that the Lakers owe him in order to play back-up point guard for the Spurs and he promised not any more of his body parts fall off.  He emphasized that not only will he not be asking for a salary but he will actually pay veteran’s minimum to San Antonio to let him play.  Likewise, Derek Fisher, Jason Kid, Pat Riley, and Phil Jackson have all resigned from their coaching and front office jobs to go play for another title in San Antonio.


Stay tuned for updates on how everyone in the NBA is now going to play for the Spurs for peanuts.

In other news, the Lakers are still dead: An Obituary:

Do you ever wonder what people are doing with the millions the Lakers blew on them?

6 Jul

Few basketball organizations have blown as much money over a handful of players as much as the Lakers and the Nets.  Here are some of the most painful cases.

Steve Nash:  This is what Steve Nash is doing with the $45 mils he got from the Lakers for playing less than half a season out of the three that he was supposed to. Of course, he cost the Lakers much more than just the $45 mils and the ground-swell of fan anger.  He also cost them four draft picks.  Thanks Steve.  Hope you choke on it.


Brian Grant: The Lakers blew about $45 million on him in the Shaq trade.  He was able to only play less than a year.  The Lakers released him and gave him $30 mils to go away.  Sadly, he’s not very healthy these days. Brian Grant and Spurs Tim Duncan during the game at Staples Center on November 5,2004.—-Lakers Brian Grant and Spurs Tim Duncan during the game at Staples Center on November 5,2004.

Ron Artest / Peta Pet Fleece… I mean Mega Whirled Cheese: Another one of those sad cases who played half-decently for half a season of a hefty multi-year contract, then changed his name to Meta World Peace, lost his game, and was amnestied (which means they gave him the rest of the contracted amount, about $8 million, and told to just go away).  Since then, with the money they gave him,, he bought himself another brand new name.  That’s right.  He did what he does best, which is changing his name.  Any guesses what name he bought himself?  Meta World Peace’s new name.  In case you don’t want to click the link, here is the answer: he changed his name to Panda’s Friend.  Now that’s an un-bearable name for a guy who no longer got game.


The Lakers signed Ron Artest because they hadn’t been able to keep Trevor Ariza happy and let him walk.  By the way, while Ron Artest is out of NBA Trevor Ariza is still going strong.  He just helped his team, Houston, reach the Western Conference finals.

Speaking of lost causes, have you thought about Andrew Bynum lately?  He has long been gone from the Lakers but he’s still costing them.  You don’t believe me?  Read this:  Philadelphia working to get money back from the Lakers for misleading them.


Honorable Mention: Kobe Bryant: He missed the 2012-2013 play-offs with an Achilles tendon injury.  He came back a year later but after only playing six games he had another season ending injury.  While recovering, he signed a two-year contract extension for $48.5 million.  He came back again for the 2014-2015 season but only played 27 games before suffering another season ending injury.  Now, Bryant is a special case.  His injuries are really the result of his overcommitment, not lack of effort.  However, some say by hogging so much of the salary cap he has selfishly hurt the Lakers chances of signing other big name players, and the fact that the last two seasons he hasn’t been able to help the team while charging the largest salary of any current NBA player he partially fits this group of players.


Join us again soon and maybe I’ll tell you what it would cost a family of four to attend one Lakers game.  Because it’s a lot of fun to pay for the salaries of players who don’t play in the game you just attended.  Seven dollar hot dog, anyone?

Lakers as NBA’s Salary Dumpster

5 Jul

Soon after I published this article, right on cue, the Lakers made another one of their knuckle-headed amateurish head-scratcher moves and reaffirmed their role as a salary dumpster.  This is what I had written in that article:

The team has poorly managed its assets.  It gave up four draft picks to Phoenix for the rights of an overpaid Steve Nash at the end of his career who commanded $15 million a year for three years, and played only a handful of games.  The team paid nearly $45 million for two years to a Kobe who has played another handful of games. The team paid $14 million to a laughable Jeremy Lin who had a handful of good games in New York before coming down to Earth to be the player he really is: someone who should be playing in Turkey, not in U.S..  Before those players, they were overpaying Ron Artest, Lamar Odom, Luke Walton, and Brian Grant and many others.  Speaking of Brian Grant, remember him? He was the bum the Lakers got in the Shaq trade.  Pat Riley dumped Grant on the Lakers and saddled them with a $45 million, 3 year contract.  After one year of miserable non-performance, the Lakers ate the remaining $30 millions and released the bum who lasted 3 more days in NBA before retiring to enjoy his unearned $45 million.

Guess what.  The Lakers just helped make it possible for Indiana Pacers to rebuild their team by agreeing to take Hibbert off their hands and shift Hibbert’s $15.5 million a year salary into their own cap space. Hibbert has been horrible since the 2013-2014 season.  He completely disappeared in the play-offs a year and half ago and never recovered.  As a result, the team nose-dived.  It realized it needed to change direction.  It has been no secret that Indiana no longer wanted or needed Hibbert but could not find a way to unload his huge salary.  So, after losing out on all the big name free agents, the Lakers did what they have always done: accept other teams trash.  Check out Indiana’s sports sites for their reaction to the trade.  They’re celebrating the dumping of the Lakers.

No wonder they are in the mess they are!

By the way, this is what Steve Nash is doing with the $45 mils he got from the Lakers for playing less than half a season. Of course, he cost the Lakers more than just the $45 mils and a lot of anger.  He also cost them 4 draft picks.  Thanks Steve.  Hope you choke on it.

[Edit: it’s actually worse than a 15.5 million dump.  With a kicker thing it’s actually over $17 million.  Imagine: the Lakers have now exhausted just about all of their salary cap with the exception of $5 million and there isn’t a player on this team outside of an injury-riddle Kobe that you could consider a legitimate star.  The Lakers have managed to spend nearly as much as San Antonio Spurs for a bunch of scrubs and rookies.  Meanwhile, San Antonio has loaded the team so badly with talent, they could play the Lakers 82 games next season and win all of them.  The Knicks used to be known as the most inept big spenders in the League.  It’s safe to say the Lakers now outright own that title.]

Clueless Jeanie Buss’ comments from 7 months ago

4 Jul

By the way, for those you folks who still don’t believe the Lakers are dead and its owners/front office are clueless, read this blog from 7 months ago.

Just in case my reply to that blog disappears, I’m quoting it here, intact, from 7 months ago:

Quote: [“Jeanie: With the Steve Nash situation, I think we did everything in good faith. We sacrificed to get him by giving up draft picks. We made sure he was one of the top-15-paid players at his position, and we hired a coach that specifically suited his style of play. So from our point of view, we did everything right. You go in with good intentions, and it didn’t work out.”


My response: ”

Don’t mean to insult you, Jeanie, but that statement makes you sound like a complete idiot. Who’s even talking about your “good faith” and “good intentions”? What the heck does that even mean in this case? If I decide to operate on a person even though I’m not a doctor chances are that person is going to die. Nobody is going to ask me about my good intentions. They’re going to question my competence to have operated. You could have the best intentions in the world but not the competence to run a basketball team and that’s what’s going on now. You folks ran Jerry West out of town and look how the teams he joined after the Lakers have and are thriving: Grizzlies and now Warriors. You children of Buss are clueless and Kupchak is a yes-man. Look at this team with its bloated salary and its amazingly bad and unwatchable teamwork. This team is doomed with you running it. Your best bet is to bring back West or someone like him, hand everything and I mean everything over to him to fix up before he retires from the business, and make sure you don’t go anywhere near the front office because both of you are completely inadequate and incompetent. Frankly, you did better when you were a Playboy centerfold. You have had every chance to prove you’re more than a pretty talking head, and have failed miserably. As for Jim, I can’t even say about him the one good thing I said about you. Jim, retire and go away. You’re extremely unimpressive and underwhelming. Don’t wait 3 years to prove that. Step down now. NOW. It’s in your best interest because the more you hang around the more worthless the Lakers will be. Under your watch the Clippers have gone way past the Lakers and become more valuable.”