Archive | Uncategorized RSS feed for this section

NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

7 Jul

hawkster report

NEWSFLASH: In a hastily arranged press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s titles.  Putin has always wanted to take coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy back to Kremlin and shove it inside his crowded trophy case.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved. But this amounts to a major coup for Vladimir who is no stranger to staging major coups.


The Moscow Basketshooters are currently ranked first in the MBA (Moscow Basketball Association).  They used to be called the Crimean Troublemakers until the team went through an ownership change through a hostile take-over by a rival team, the East Ukrainian Rebels.  Later it became known that the Rebels were owned by Vladimir Putin and the team as well as its arena was moved to Moscow using football…

View original post 371 more words


NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

7 Jul

NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs.

30 Aug

Ever since I saw the movie “Titanic” I have wondered about the same thing that many people have wondered about: Why didn’t Rose share the raft with Jack? Is that because if she had then Jack would be alive today and there would have been no point making the movie? There seemed to be plenty of space on the raft but Rose didn’t even offer the poor, suffering Jack a little spot on the raft. She just sat there and watched him freeze to death. The movie cameras were not there when it all happened, so the only version we’re given is from Rose’s point of view. Rose tells us how Jack spent his last hours telling her how much he loved her, how he offered his own life so that she’d be all comfy and safe on the raft, how he wanted her to go on living and marrying some other jerk while he was perfectly happy to freeze his ass in the middle of a frigid Atlantic and die. He said “you go on to live to be 100, honey, because my heart will go on.” Is this what really happened?

Even though we all know about Rose’s act of selfishness, it has been a taboo to talk about it. For some reason everyone must be afraid of Rose and how she would react if anyone questioned her version of the story.

Recently I came across a copy of Rose’s private diaries that nobody has seen before. I was shocked to learn what really happened is not what Rose tells us in the movie. I guess she was too embarrassed to tell the truth. So she just kept it in her diary and hoped nobody would ever find out. Well, my sources have found the diary and today I reveal what really happened. If the movie was factual and had been made according to the diary, this is what you would have seen on the screen.

Rose: “What’s that sound?”

Jack: “That’s my teeth chattering. This water is freezing. Burrrr.”

Rose: “Well, stop making that sound. It’s soooo annoying.”

Jack: “OK. I’m sorry.”

Rose: “So, how much do you really love me?”

Jack: “A lot. Rose, I’m really cold.”

Rose: “Well, put something on.”

Jack: “I can’t. I’m floating in the middle of the ocean. There is nothing around here except for that nude pictures of you I painted, and your fiancé’s toupee. I can’t wear either one. I am cold and need to get out of water. “

Rose: “Don’t be such a baby. “

Jack: “Can you scoot over so I can get on the raft with you? I don’t really want to die like this.”

Rose: “I don’t think so. I just warmed up this spot and don’t want to scoot over to a cold spot. It’s just too inconvenient.”

Jack: “I can’t feel my feet. I think I’m getting hypothermia”.

Rose: “Sleep it off.”

Jack: “What? I can’t sleep when my teeth are chattering and my limbs are freezing off. I read somewhere if you stay too long in freezing water you may die. I really think I should get on that raft with you so we can warm each other.”

Rose: “Nah… I’ll pass.”

Jack: “Please?”

Rose: “Don’t be so selfish.”

Jack: “It’s hard to be selfish when you’re freezing to death. I say you let me on that raft so we can all go home and get some warm soup or something. Then we’ll plan our wedding and have lots of children and live happily ever after.”

Rose: “You are such a drama queen. Man up.”

Jack: “OK, I try to man up.”

Rose: “Don’t try. Do.”

Jack: “I don’t think it’s working. Now I can’t feel my manhood.”

Rose: “Stop touching yourself! God!”

Jack: “I am not! I can’t even feel my fingers.”

Rose: “I’m beginning to think this was all a big mistake. I should have stuck with my fiancé. He had a real boat instead of this stupid raft you got me. And, may I add, why doesn’t this raft have a heater? Why can’t you get a real job so you could afford a decent raft with a real heater? Jenny’s husband has a raft with its own seat warmer, two cup holders and a DVD player.”

Jack: “I’m sorry. I’ll try to be a better man if you just let me on that raft.”

Rose: “If you really loved me you’d swim back to the ship and grab that large diamond for me. And while you are at it, get me a roast beef sandwich. I’m getting kind of hungry.”

Jack: “But the ship has sunk already. It’s now 7 miles below us at the bottom of the ocean.”

Rose: “You are nothing but excuses. If you really loved me nothing would stop you. Not according to Justin Bieber songs anyway.”

Jack: “OK then. I’m going to swim to the bottom of the ocean to fetch you a sandwich. If I don’t come back just remember that my heart will go on.”

Rose: “Don’t be late. Don’t get the wrong diamond now. There are a lot of cubic zirconias down there. Make sure it’s a submarine sandwich. Don’t get the sandwich soggy. Don’t forget to put some mayo on it because I don’t like my sandwiches dry. Don’t stop and talk to other women. OK? Jack??? Jack??? Are you back yet??? What is taking that boy so long? Hey, is that Celine Dion I hear?”

Bad Poetry Collection

24 Jul

Tears of a duck:

Romney in Romneyistan

19 Jul

Batman, Romney, Bain Capital, Bane Industries:

Stupid things you say when you’re Romney:

Romney retroactively retires from Bain Capital:

What is Romney really enthused about?



The Kardashians

10 Jul

What is Kim’s butt good for?

Kardashians take the strip joint:

The Hawkster Report: Financial Advice

7 Jul

The Hawkster Report: Financial Advice.