SHOCKER: Michael Jordan reveals NBA conspiracy, comes out of retirement to join the Spurs

7 Jul

NEWSFLASH: Michael Jordan has just decided it’s time to hang up his golf clubs, pick up his gun-belt and fly on his JordanPlane to San Antonio to strap his Spurs as well.

jordan

In a stunning turn of events, the avalanche of megastars joining the San Antonio Spurs has culminated in the unretirement of the basketball god, Michael Jordan.  In a statement released by his PR agent, Scotty Pippen, Michael Jordan revealed his plans for the upcoming season.

“After careful consideration, a great deal of soul searching and a few tequila shots, I realized that Tim Duncan doesn’t have enough trophies and doesn’t have enough help in trying to get those added trophies he is looking for. It appears as though there is a conspiracy in the NBA to prevent Tim Duncan from winning all the trophies that he wants.  The fact that the NBA allowed the Clippers to beat San Antonio with the roster they had proves the conspiracy.  Therefore, I have decided to remember the Alamo and take my talents to San Antonio Beach.  Furthermore, my PR agent, Scotty Pippen, who is reading this statement, is given the code ‘Mayday one to mayday two”, which is a wake-up sequence summoning all my teammates from my six championships.  With that sequence, the entire Bulls team of the 90s is now ordered to congregate in San Antonio and pledge their undying allegiance to Tim Duncan and his quest for numbers 6-12. Yes, that includes the Warriors coach, Steve Kerr.  We’ll need his threes because we don’t have enough.  Steve, drop everything and get your ass here, now.

The battle begins tonight.”

Michael Jordan has already come out of two previous retirements but both of them happened over fifteen years ago.  This is the longest retirement anyone has ever come out of.

In the meantime, the NBA is reconsidering its rules to see how it can facilitate the Spurs’ march to many more championships without any resistance by the rest of the NBA.  The NBA rules committee is currently studying a number of rule changes to disallow the opposition from scoring any points against the Spurs.  Furthermore, the Spurs are now allowed to bring their own referees to every game and fans are allowed to tackle opposition players.

Previously:

Earlier NEWSFLASH: LeBron James agrees to jump ship and join the Spurs for minimum wage: http://wp.me/p2wEfU-1Q

NEWSFLASH: The Lakers were dead and now the Clippers are dying too.

7 Jul

It’s with great sadness that we announce the passing away of another great Los Angeles team, the Clippers.  After bravely fighting a long battle against illness, the Clippers finally woke up for a year but right after that they died again instantly.  The team is survived by its heart-broken fans who for a little while mistook them for a real team.

Griffin

While this is the only time the Lakers have died in recent memory, the Clippers are trying to successfully die a second time.  The first time the Clippers died was when they got rid of Donald Sterling and unseated the NBA champions, the San Antonio Spurs.  In doing that, the old losing Clippers died and a new, more confident and winning one was born.  However, not long after that, on their way to winning the NBA championship they had a brush with death again.  They had Houston Rockets on the ropes and killing them.  Up 3-1 against Houston, they gave them one win to return home where they stormed to a 20 point lead late in game.  Then suddenly and inexplicably they began to miss their own good old losing selves and decided to start losing again.  They thought to themselves “oh, this winning thing is not all it’s cracked up to be.  We used to be happier when we were miserable.”  Even though Houston tried to lose the series really hard and let the Clippers go all the way, the Clippers would have none of it.  They rolled over and played dead.  They had the most disgraceful exit of any team in the history of basketball and effectively died again.

Then DeAndre Jordan decided to bolt to another Texas team down the road from Houston, the Dallas Mavericks, to make sure that the Clippers stay dead and don’t magically come alive.  Some say this was because the Clippers changed their logo which was so bad that Jordan he had no choice to bolt.  Others say he left because he didn’t want to play for a team whose point guard had two first names. Yet others say he did not want to play third fiddle, because it was too much pressure, and so he accepted $80 million from the Mavs to play the fourth fiddle for them.  Whatever it was, Jordan was gone. Things got so bad that even the coach’s son, Austin Rivers, decided to ditch his dad’s team and go look for another team. Perhaps he, too, will move to Texas because the state has already named a town after Austin Rivers.

So not only the city of Los Angeles does not have any football teams now, it doesn’t have any live basketball teams either.  The only question remaining is can Los Angeles support two dead basketball teams playing in the same building, and if so, should the Staples Center be called The Zombie Center?

Speaking of centers, the Clippers don’t have any.

P.S.: On Thursday, July 9th, the Clippers fans breathed a collective sigh of relief as heavens smiled on them and the basketball gods resurrected them as DeAndre Jordan reversed his earlier decision to join the Mavericks.  What really changed his mind?  He watched one episode of The Shark Tank and saw Mark Cuban’s performance and that was enough.

NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

7 Jul

hawkster report

NEWSFLASH: In a hastily arranged press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s titles.  Putin has always wanted to take coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy back to Kremlin and shove it inside his crowded trophy case.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved. But this amounts to a major coup for Vladimir who is no stranger to staging major coups.

PutinBasketball

The Moscow Basketshooters are currently ranked first in the MBA (Moscow Basketball Association).  They used to be called the Crimean Troublemakers until the team went through an ownership change through a hostile take-over by a rival team, the East Ukrainian Rebels.  Later it became known that the Rebels were owned by Vladimir Putin and the team as well as its arena was moved to Moscow using football…

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NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

7 Jul

NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs.

NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

7 Jul

NEWSFLASH: In a hastily arranged press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s titles.  Putin has always wanted to take coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy back to Kremlin and shove it inside his crowded trophy case.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved. But this amounts to a major coup for Vladimir who is no stranger to staging major coups.

putin-sterling-putin-jersey

The Moscow Basketshooters are currently ranked first in the MBA (Moscow Basketball Association).  They used to be called the Crimean Troublemakers until the team went through an ownership change through a hostile take-over by a rival team, the East Ukrainian Rebels.  Later it was revealed that the Rebels were owned by Vladimir Putin and the team as well as its arena were moved to Moscow using football sized trucks.  Ever since the move Vlad has taken his shirt off a number of times and played the center position for the team himself.  Putin is listed as 8′ 2″ in the Basketshooters’ media guide but he might be a couple of inches shorter.

The Spurs welcomed the news of Putin’s decision as it solves the central problem at the center.  Ever since the Spurs’ center, Tiago Splitter split the Spurs haven’t had a center at their center position.   Vladimir Putin is a solid center and has won several scoring titles during his reign as the center of the Moscow Basketshooters.  In every game that Vlad has played he has broken Wilt Chamberlain’s single game scoring record of 102.  During his last three games Vlad scored 108, 152 and 331 points.  He shot the ball 50 times and everyone counted as a basket.  Of course, Russian rules are a little different than NBA rules, as each basket is considered 2 or 3 points only when other players score it.  But when Vlad scores the basket it carries as many points as Vlad says it does.  The Spurs are hoping the NBA will change its rule to accommodate Vladimir Putin unless the NBA would like to be annexed by Russia.

PutinBasketball

Putin joins an already crowded Spurs team.  In the last three days not only have the Spurs been able to grab LeMarcus DeAldrige and LeAldridge DeMarcus, but they have also signed up LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Shaq O’Neal, Dennis Rodman, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Pete Rose and Muhammad Ali, just to name a few.  That’s in addition to resigning Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Kawhi Leonard and Dwight Howard who is still a champion.

Not all is rosy in the Spursland though.  The addition of Vladimir Putin poses a roster problem for the Spurs as they already have 39 players signed up and the NBA only allows 13 players on a roster.  But late Monday a report emerged that the NBA is changing its rules to not only allow the Spurs to have a roster of 39 players, but to allow all of them on the court at the same time to ensure the other team does not score even a single point.

Through Twitter Putin has expressed his excitement and said that he can’t wait for the start of the season to shatter all records, smash the opposition and blast his way through the play-offs using his air force.

NEWSFLASH: NBA cancels season, hands trophy to Spurs, parade to be held immediately

6 Jul

Reports have emerged that indicate NBA has just made a decision.  In light of the massive defection of free agents to San Antonio, NBA’s executive officers hastily arranged an emergency meeting to discuss the fate of the league.  Supposedly, one owner whose name starts with Mark and ends with Cuban said “What’s the use of a regular season?  San Antonio is going to win all 82 games by 50 or more points.”  Another NBA exec who was busy counting his money said: “yeah”. After calls poured in from NBA front offices that season ticket holders of teams other than the Spurs were hogging up phone lines, cancelling their season tickets, another exec who might be named Mitch Kupchak said “What’s the use?  Why even try? Nobody wants to come play for me and everyone wants to play for the Spurs.  I quit.”

Other owners expressed similar concerns.  Said one: “Why would I want to overpay a bunch of spoiled players just so that my home crowd shows up only to root for the Spurs?”  Said another owner: “I agree.  In fact when the Spurs come to town I’m going to root for them myself.”  “I can’t overcharge for $7 hotdogs and $25 parking under these circumstances anymore.” Another one said: “I know my players are going to come play wearing masks because they know they’re going to be embarrassed by the shellacking they’re about to get.”

The clincher came when the owner of Minnesota Wolves removed his shirt to show his newly minted Spurs Jersey.  After that, NBA quickly made the decision to cancel the entire 2015-2016 season, simply hand over the trophy to San Antonio and call it a day.  Everyone knew that’s what the end result would be so why watch games whose outcomes you already know?

Jun 4, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan (21) speaks to the media after practice before game one of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at the AT&T Center. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Jun 4, 2014; San Antonio, TX, USA; San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan (21) speaks to the media after practice before game one of the 2014 NBA Finals against the Miami Heat at the AT&T Center. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

In other news, Tim Duncan announced that he has agreed to a 25 year contract with San Antonio for 15 cents a year.  When asked for comment nice-guy Timmy said: “I might be 75 by the time I’ll retire but who cares?  I’ll have 40 trophies to find a place for.  Would you like me to wash your car for you? It’s no trouble, really.”

Update: The NBA executive office has announced that in place of the canceled season, there will be a rotating championship parade for the Spurs in every major U.S. city.

Update: Tim Duncan has just announced he has signed yet another contract to play for the Spurs for another 50 years after he passes away.

Earlier NEWSFLASH: LeBron James agrees to jump ship and join the Spurs for minimum wage: http://wp.me/p2wEfU-1Q

REPORT: LeBron James to play for Spurs for a song and a dance

6 Jul

Update: In a hastily arrange press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy for Kremlin.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved.

Earlier: EARTH SHATTERING NEWSFLASH: In a stunning development, LeBron James has left Cleveland Cavaliers and just announced that he, too, will sign with the Spurs for veteran’s minimum.  He said on his Twotitter account: “Winning another title at all costs is above and beyond and over my topmost other objectives. I am proud to say that I am joining forces with Poppy, Timmy, Kawhi, Tony, Manny, LeMarky, Danny, Westy, and Bonny to lead the Spurs to not one, not two, not three, not four, okay I’ll spare you the count, to many many titles.  Eff the rest of NBA.”

LBJ

The LeBron announcement has caused an instant tidal wave.  Minutes later, Dwight Howard, too, renounced the remainder of his contract with Houston to announce that he’s joining the Spurs in chase for his first title and he will do it for minimum wage.  Not to be outdone, Kevin Durant has demanded that the Thunder to immediately trade him to San Antonio for a fifth round draft pick and ice cream considerations.  Reportedly, Kevin Durant has agreed to play for the Spurs for free. Kobe Bryant, too, has just tweeted that he is forgiving the $25 million that the Lakers owe him in order to play back-up point guard for the Spurs and he promised not any more of his body parts fall off.  He emphasized that not only will he not be asking for a salary but he will actually pay veteran’s minimum to San Antonio to let him play.  Likewise, Derek Fisher, Jason Kid, Pat Riley, and Phil Jackson have all resigned from their coaching and front office jobs to go play for another title in San Antonio.

DavidWest

Stay tuned for updates on how everyone in the NBA is now going to play for the Spurs for peanuts.

In other news, the Lakers are still dead: An Obituary: https://hawksterreport.wordpress.com/2015/07/04/the-lakers-are-dead-an-obituary/