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NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

7 Jul

NEWSFLASH: In a hastily arranged press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s titles.  Putin has always wanted to take coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy back to Kremlin and shove it inside his crowded trophy case.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved. But this amounts to a major coup for Vladimir who is no stranger to staging major coups.


The Moscow Basketshooters are currently ranked first in the MBA (Moscow Basketball Association).  They used to be called the Crimean Troublemakers until the team went through an ownership change through a hostile take-over by a rival team, the East Ukrainian Rebels.  Later it was revealed that the Rebels were owned by Vladimir Putin and the team as well as its arena were moved to Moscow using football sized trucks.  Ever since the move Vlad has taken his shirt off a number of times and played the center position for the team himself.  Putin is listed as 8′ 2″ in the Basketshooters’ media guide but he might be a couple of inches shorter.

The Spurs welcomed the news of Putin’s decision as it solves the central problem at the center.  Ever since the Spurs’ center, Tiago Splitter split the Spurs haven’t had a center at their center position.   Vladimir Putin is a solid center and has won several scoring titles during his reign as the center of the Moscow Basketshooters.  In every game that Vlad has played he has broken Wilt Chamberlain’s single game scoring record of 102.  During his last three games Vlad scored 108, 152 and 331 points.  He shot the ball 50 times and everyone counted as a basket.  Of course, Russian rules are a little different than NBA rules, as each basket is considered 2 or 3 points only when other players score it.  But when Vlad scores the basket it carries as many points as Vlad says it does.  The Spurs are hoping the NBA will change its rule to accommodate Vladimir Putin unless the NBA would like to be annexed by Russia.


Putin joins an already crowded Spurs team.  In the last three days not only have the Spurs been able to grab LeMarcus DeAldrige and LeAldridge DeMarcus, but they have also signed up LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Shaq O’Neal, Dennis Rodman, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Pete Rose and Muhammad Ali, just to name a few.  That’s in addition to resigning Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Kawhi Leonard and Dwight Howard who is still a champion.

Not all is rosy in the Spursland though.  The addition of Vladimir Putin poses a roster problem for the Spurs as they already have 39 players signed up and the NBA only allows 13 players on a roster.  But late Monday a report emerged that the NBA is changing its rules to not only allow the Spurs to have a roster of 39 players, but to allow all of them on the court at the same time to ensure the other team does not score even a single point.

Through Twitter Putin has expressed his excitement and said that he can’t wait for the start of the season to shatter all records, smash the opposition and blast his way through the play-offs using his air force.