Clippers Release New Song: Jordy Come Back!

Spending all my alley oops
All my cap space on other free agents
Doing anything just to get you off of my mind
But when the game time comes
I’m right back where I started again
Trying to forget you is just a waste of timeout

Jordy come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in every ball you dunked
Jordy come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can’t win without you

All day long, wearing the new logo
Trying to avoid another free throw
But as the 24 second clock winds down
I get that empty feeling again
How I wish to God that you were here

Jordy come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in every rebound you tipped
Jordy come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can’t win without you

Now that I we are at halftime
Give me the chance to make you see
Have you used up all the screens you set
Nothing left for me
Ain’t there nothing left for me

Jordy come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in every shot you blocked
Jordy come back, listen, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can’t win without you

LOS ANGELES, CA – FEBRUARY 19: DeAndre Jordan #6 of the Los Angeles Clippers is fouled by Tim Duncan #21 of the San Antonio Spurs on an attempted dunk at Staples Center on February 19, 2015 in Los Angeles, California. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this Photograph, user is consenting to the terms and condition of the Getty Images License Agreement. (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

SHOCKER: Michael Jordan reveals NBA conspiracy, comes out of retirement to join the Spurs

NEWSFLASH: Michael Jordan has just decided it’s time to hang up his golf clubs, pick up his gun-belt and fly on his JordanPlane to San Antonio to strap his Spurs as well.

In a stunning turn of events, the avalanche of megastars joining the San Antonio Spurs has culminated in the unretirement of the basketball god, Michael Jordan.  In a statement released by his PR agent, Scotty Pippen, Michael Jordan revealed his plans for the upcoming season.

“After careful consideration, a great deal of soul searching and a few tequila shots, I realized that Tim Duncan doesn’t have enough trophies and doesn’t have enough help in trying to get those added trophies he is looking for. It appears as though there is a conspiracy in the NBA to prevent Tim Duncan from winning all the trophies that he wants.  The fact that the NBA allowed the Clippers to beat San Antonio with the roster they had proves the conspiracy.  Therefore, I have decided to remember the Alamo and take my talents to San Antonio Beach.  Furthermore, my PR agent, Scotty Pippen, who is reading this statement, is given the code ‘Mayday one to mayday two”, which is a wake-up sequence summoning all my teammates from my six championships.  With that sequence, the entire Bulls team of the 90s is now ordered to congregate in San Antonio and pledge their undying allegiance to Tim Duncan and his quest for numbers 6-12. Yes, that includes the Warriors coach, Steve Kerr.  We’ll need his threes because we don’t have enough.  Steve, drop everything and get your ass here, now.

The battle begins tonight.”

Michael Jordan has already come out of two previous retirements but both of them happened over fifteen years ago.  This is the longest retirement anyone has ever come out of.

In the meantime, the NBA is reconsidering its rules to see how it can facilitate the Spurs’ march to many more championships without any resistance by the rest of the NBA.  The NBA rules committee is currently studying a number of rule changes to disallow the opposition from scoring any points against the Spurs.  Furthermore, the Spurs are now allowed to bring their own referees to every game and fans are allowed to tackle opposition players.

Previously:

Earlier NEWSFLASH: LeBron James agrees to jump ship and join the Spurs for minimum wage: http://wp.me/p2wEfU-1Q

The JordyFlip: In defense of Mark Cuban

In the coming days and months there will be revelations about what went down that led to both the verbal commitment of DeAndre Jordan to Mark Cuban as well as DJ backing out of the deal before the deadline.  There are serious questions of conduct about Cuban’s machinations prior to the verbal agreement.  They include whether Cuban dispatched his players to contact DJ prior to the NBA-mandated July 1st starting date.  There are also allegations of collusion by DJ’s agent, Fegan, who is both a close friend of Mark Cuban as well as Chandler Parsons’ agent. But those are allegations and speculations.  Until substantiated, Cuban is innocent.

What is known is that DJ had a verbal commitment to Mark Cuban to join the Mavs, leaving the Clippers behind.  Cuban considered DJ the centerpiece of his future team around whom he would construct the necessary pieces.  His previous attempts to land big-name megastars had all failed, and in fact two of his existing pieces had left the team.  Furthermore, he had made additional moves that were partially based on the assumption that DJ would join the Mavs.  DJ began to have second thoughts almost immediately after his verbal commitment.  This brings to question: why was this allowed to go this far?  The change of heart soon after the verbal commitment clearly indicates his heart was never fully in it.  Cuban, like any other owner, is competing to attract top talent for his team. He can not be faulted for doing all that is within his power and ethics to keep up with the field. It is the job of the agent to gauge both his client’s wants and needs, as well as to do the same for the teams doing the chasing, in addition to making sure whatever deal happens is ideal for all involved.  That requires heart-to-heart discussions with all and a professional, no-nonsense approach.  There can be no room for promising one team to deliver your client to them if that’s not what the player really wants.  Manipulating the player to live up to your promise can only lead to disaster, because either the player goes through with a deal he wasn’t fully committed to and lives a life of misery for the team, or the player backs out the first chance he gets, as DJ did in this case.

The agent is the one who failed the Mavericks fans, who failed DJ and stained the rest of his career with the image of a dishonorable man, and who failed Mark Cuban and his attempt to deliver a competitive product to the city of Dallas.  Dan Fegan was strangely absent during the surreal lead-up to the Clippers contingent congregating at DJ’s Houston house, while Mark Cuban was supposedly driving around town and begging people for DJ’s home address (most likely a preposterous and made-up allegation).  Where was Fegan during that whole ordeal?  If he wasn’t present while DJ was signing the contract with the Clippers that would constitute a clear sign of Fegan’s failure to do his job.  If DJ fires him in the near future it should come as no surprise to anyone.

If DJ was to have a change of heart, he owed it to Cuban and to all of basketball to face Cuban like a man and to explain his change of heart.  It could have been something as simple as “Mark, I made a terrible mistake.  I am sorry.  I can’t take the job and be miserable for the next fours because it wouldn’t be fair to you.  My agent failed you and me, and I failed you.  I beg for your forgiveness.”

Mark Cuban is rightly aggrieved.  Get off his back.

The Jordy Flip: What really happened (from the Mavs’ fans point of view)

This is what really happened.  I don’t know it but I’m sure that’s how it went down.

DeAndre Jordan never wanted to be with a bunch of losers like the Clippers.  He signed with the Mavs because Cuban is so cool and DJ is from Texas and besides, in Texas you don’t pay taxes. He knew once in Texas the Mavs would fix his free throwing issues, hand over the keys to the offense to him and make him a megastar. Then that nasty loser, that criminal Doc Rivers, his henchman Blake Griffin and their posse of no-good thieves raided DJ’s home in Houston uninvited, busted the door open and jumped DJ, brainwashed him, told him lies about Mark Cuban and how hot it is in Texas and then barricaded themselves inside DJ’s home.  They locked the doors, unplugged the phones, pulled the curtains and turned off the lights to hide from Mark Cuban who was trying to rescue DJ from these raiders.  Poor Mark Cuban was driving around town trying desperately to find and rescue the poor DJ. They threatened everyone in Houston not to give to Mark Cuban DJ’s home address, and then they waited until midnight.  They even put a chair behind the door to make sure it could not be opened from the outside. A few of them hid in tents outside the house and guarded the house with shotguns.  They threatened DJ that unless he signs the contract for eight million dollars more than Cuban could pay him they would cut his balls off and feed it to their dogs.  DJ had no choice.  At midnight he signed to save his life from these bandits.

                                                              

That’s how those Clippers did it.  They’re criminals and should be arrested.

Revenge Of The Karma! Karma comes back to haunt Mark Cuban

Five years ago the Los Angeles Lakers realized that they needed to revitalize themselves.  They made a shrewd move and traded Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom to the New Orleans Hornets for Chris Paul.  They knew without that deal their club was headed down fast.

In the very last second one owner objected hard and loud.  He swiftly began to lobby against the deal and mobilized a few other owners.  He was able to muster enough trouble that the NBA commissioner, Stern, did something that the NBA had never done before: He overruled the front offices of the Lakers and the Hornets and voided the trade!  That was a first in the history of the NBA and a stunning turn of events.  Stern was able to do that because the NBA had taken over the ownership of the Hornets temporarily.

Needless to say, the Lakers were crushed.  The move effectively marked the end of the Lakers as a winning team.  From that point on it was a massive struggle to stay relevant.  The Lakers thought they had been given a lifeline when they were able to trade away Andrew Bynum and get a disgruntled Dwight Howard.  However, Howard never wanted to be in LA and once a free agent he darted out of town.  Had the CP3 trade gone through the story would have been vastly different for the Lakers.  CP3 did want to be in LA, might have helped Kobe win one or more championships and would have been the centerpiece of any post-Kobe Lakers team.  Instead, the Lakers continued their decay with no hopes of any immediate remedy.  Today they are the sorry team that we see and pity.  And they owe it all to one owner.

Who was that owner?

Mark Cuban.

Today, Dallas is a team rotting away and crumbling faster than Jason Pierre-Paul is blowing off his fingers.  Unable to land any big name free agents for several seasons, Mark Cuban was desperate to land DeAndre Jordan as the centerpiece of his future team.  He admitted without the DeAndre Jordan trade the Mavs would have to tank.  By now we all know the story.  DeAndre Jordan had a last minute change of heart and decided to stay with the Clippers.  The Dallas Maverick, for all practical purposes, have gone the way of the Lakers of a few years ago.

In an ironic twist of fate, Chris Paul, whose trade to the Lakers Cuban had sabotaged, ended up on the Clippers team that has just crushed the heart of Mark Cuban.

In short, Karma is a bitch.  Enjoy it, Mark Cuban!

Earlier:

SHOCKING NEWS: Mark Cuban is not a man of his word!

You heard that right.

When Mark Cuban thought he had bagged DeAndre Jordan he admitted it was either sign DeAndre Jordan or tank.  Multiple reports have confirmed this.  Dallas has not been able to sign any megastars for quite a while now.  With Tyson and Ellis abandoning ship and an aging Dirk Nowitzki losing stuff fast, Dallas was hemorrhaging blood while not able to replenish it.  His only big name signing has been Parsons last year (which hasn’t paid off yet), Rajon Rondo (which backfired big time) and a verbal commitment from Wes Matthews for this year.

So, it was quite logical for Dallas to either blow it up, tank and rebuild, or sign a couple of big names and rebuild and repair around them.  Cuban’s plan was to acquire DJ and build the team around him as the center piece.  And it is further logical to assume if DJ hadn’t signed (or in this case, backed out of a verbal commitment), Cuban has no choice to tank.

So, is he a man of his word and is he going to tank or not?  In which case… he should be trading away all his remaining big names (including Dirk and Parsons) to be able to lose games and tank.  Instead he tried to softly get Wes Matthews to back out of his verbal commitment!  Oh, sure, he makes it sound like he wants to be fair, but what’s the use of signing Wes Matthews if he’s trying to tank?

Here is the thing: If Cuban signs Wes Matthews then he’s not planning to tank, and that means he’s not a man of his word because we all heard him say he would have tanked without signing DeAndre Jordan!  And if he doesn’t sign Wes Matthews, again, he’s not a man of his word because he had committed to Wes Matthews verbally as much as Wes Matthews had committed to Cuban verbally.

See folks, it’s a two way street. What you just read was an exercise in sophistry, the type that you have been seeing in this soap opera. You can parse people’s words and intentions and attach these idiotic labels of “such and such “is not a man of his words”, etc.  When your kid does something wrong and you yell at them “I am going to kill you!” how often do you keep your word?  Yeah, I know that’s a ridiculous assertion because those words were uttered in anger without much thinking but the logic of “keeping your word” doesn’t make exceptions. Let’s take more serious cases into account.  More than fifty percent of all people who stand in front of the altar and say “I do… until death do us apart” not only back out of those words, they actually break an actual, written contract.  Just about every person who tells their lover “I will love you forever” is going to back out of their words.  Every company who lays off their “permanent employees” is lying.  Yes, I know those are all different situations, but the logic is the same.  The trouble in calling someone “not a man of their word” is you are calling everyone on the planet “not a person of their word”.

Related: The JordyFlip: In defense of Mark Cuban

Earlier: How Clippers snatched Jordy from the jaws of Cuban

How the Clips snatched Jordy from the Jaws of a Shark (Cuban)

In the words of Mark Twain, the news of the Clippers’ demise were exaggerated.

What Cuban doesn’t understand is this.  Even though DJ had some issues at LAC, namely with CP3 being an overbearing jerk sometimes or DJ not having a bigger obvious role offensively, there were other things that trumped those.

Even though he was projected to be picked as early as the 10th spot in the 2008 draft, he was passed over by everyone.  He was a great athlete with poor fundamentals and was unpolished.  Clippers are the ones who took a chance on him and picked him 35th overall, a rather low pick.

In 2011 he almost left the team for Golden State but in the last minute the Clippers matched the Warriors’ offer and kept DJ.  He spent his entire career in LA and practically grew up with the team. Later he was joined by another rookie, a freaky athlete, Blake Griffin, and they instantly bonded.

Bonding is something that Cuban either doesn’t understand or want to enter into the equation.  When soldiers go to battle they bond for life.  The Clippers have been through several seasons of absolute adversity.  The last few seasons when they finally left their perennial cellar position and began to make the play-offs, real adversity began. In battling against Memphis, Golden State, OKC,San Antonio and Houston, the Clippers went through hell and back.  Their biggest battle, though, was their hellish experience with Donald Sterling and the season-long scandal that beleaguered them through no fault of their own. They became battle hardened soldiers who won some and lost some.  It’s hard for any of soldiers who go through so much adversity for so long to leave the company. That invisible bond has been the Clippers biggest asset in winning DJ back.

On top of that, this short free-agency period has been an opportunity to air out issues and put everything on the table.  Now that DJ has made his point, that he wants more touches, that CP3 at times stepped on his toes, whatever issues he had with the organization, they are all now on the table and can be worked on.  It is likely that whatever team someone is on eventually they will have issues, and the Mavs wouldn’t have been any different. It’s normal that when people work together tensions arise and they’ll just have to work through them.  This was perhaps the worst possible way of putting the issues on the table but still, better late than never.

Anyone who has every left a job in which they were wanted and well-paid knows how hard it is to leave the familiar and move to another, likely and uncertain one.  One has to uproot oneself and go being to run roots elsewhere.  People do it all the time but it’s not easy unless the upside hugely trumps the heartache.  Dallas is a fine organization but it’s a team at the tail end of its glory and has to build its strength back up.  You may get lured in with the promise of more touches but at what cost?  How many years would you have to wait until Dallas is a contender?  Once you’re considered the number one option you are on the spotlight.  There is prestige that comes with it, but there is also a tremendous amount of pressure and frankly, DJ has a problem with pressure.  His free throwing in practice is average but once he’s in a real game situation with thousands of eyes focused on him his free throwing goes to hell.  That tells you all you need to know.  Some people thrive in the spotlight and some people don’t like their weaknesses paraded.  As the third offensive option, DJ was not as much in the spotlight as the other two, but even then he had to step up to the free throw line often, and it was not pretty.  As the number one option, that issue magnifies.  Those who think that the move to Dallas is going to somehow magically solve that problem are mistaken.  In LA he was shielded from part of that pressure.  As a number one option the opposite happens.  DJ did well in LA exactly because of the situation he was in.  Change that dynamic and he might actually do quite poorly.  Imagine him in the Dallas uniform losing games through his free-throwing at crucial moments and being booed by the home-crowd.  As much as you may not want to, that’s a very real possibility and quite likely.  In short, the move was not right for DJ, at least not this year.

The Clippers snatched DJ from the jaws of defeat because DJ’s bond to his buddies is stronger than Cuban’s jaws.

Billionaire businessman and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban poses in this undated publicity photograph for his new reality television series “The Benefactor” as he gets ready to give away $1 million to a complete stranger. The series premieres on the ABC television network September 13, 2004 with sixteen contestants from around the country who will vie for the money in a competition of dramatic challenges, tests of character and intelligence. NO SALES REUTERS/Craig Sjodin/ABC/Handout

But here is an alternate theory: Doc kneeled and sang a song for Jordan:  Jordy Come Back!     http://wp.me/p2wEfU-2I

P.S.: Those who think the NBA commissioner can magically strike down this deal and just hand DJ to Dallas need to do their homework.  The commissioner neither has that power nor the desire.  Just because the commissioner did that to the Lakers in the CP3 deal doesn’t mean the commissioner can do the same here.  In the CP3 deal, Chris paul belonged to the Hornets.  You may not remember that the Hornets had actually been taken over by the NBA and thus Stern had the power to overturn the deal acting as the owner of the team.  The NBA has no such ownership over DJ.  Case closed.  Stop your fantasies.

Earlier: NEWSFLASH: NBA cancels season, hands trophy to Spurs: http://wp.me/p2wEfU-1T

BREAKING NEWS: JORDAN WARS! Clippers and Mavericks declare war over DeAndre Jordan, begin shooting

In a stunning turn of events, the Los Angeles Clippers and the Dallas Mavericks escalated their dispute over the free agent former Clipper, center DeAndre Jordan and formally declared war.  At this very minute, the coach of the Clippers, Doc Rivers, along with owner Steve Ballmer, forward Blake Griffin and guards J.J. Riddick and Chris Paul are on a flight to Houston.  Likewise, the Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban and his contingent of bad people are on their way to the Not Okay Corral at this very minute.  Cuban’s team includes a fearsome posse of outlaw gunslingers such as Bignose Buckshot Roberts, Bigass James Riley, Lardass Festus McBubbles, Badass Buford McHenry, and Fatass  Dick ‘I shot Jesse James in the back’ McDickens.  It’s widely known that Mr. McBubbles once shot a cactus tree in the back.

The two contingents are rumored to be heading there to do battle right there in Houston International Airport’s transit area.  According to Texas law public shoot-outs are perfectly permissible and in fact encouraged.  It is supposed to be a classic Texas shootout from which nobody would possibly come out alive.  Cuban is said to have become so mad that he punched Dirk Nowitzki because he was too chicken to participate in the shootout.  “You’re yella,” he is rumored to have yelled at dirk and thrown the ball in his face.

Shaken up by these rumors, the NBA boss, Adam Silver, just issued a statement declaring NBA’s neutrality in the hot conflict and urging everyone to observe restraint.  But upon hearing both Ballmer and Cuban shout at him “ahhhh shutttup” Silver promptly shut up and crawled under his desk.

Anonymous sources have indicated that DeAndre Jordan was quite pleased that someone is finally fighting over him: “Oh my!  If yall had done that to begin with we wouldn’t have to go through this right now.”.  Reportedly he has packed his bags and is patiently waiting for the winning wooer to come and sweep him off his feet.

Meanwhile, hearing that DeAndre was not completely committed to Dallas yet, Greg Popovich promptly got on a short flight and headed to Houston from the other end of Texas in order to lure DeAndre Jordan to the Spurs because he’s afraid he has not hoarded enough big name megastars on his team.  “Why,” he said, “I haven’t stolen a free agent from any other teams in 24 whole hours.”

NEWSFLASH: The Lakers were dead and now the Clippers are dying too.

It’s with great sadness that we announce the passing away of another great Los Angeles team, the Clippers.  After bravely fighting a long battle against illness, the Clippers finally woke up for a year but right after that they died again instantly.  The team is survived by its heart-broken fans who for a little while mistook them for a real team.

While this is the only time the Lakers have died in recent memory, the Clippers are trying to successfully die a second time.  The first time the Clippers died was when they got rid of Donald Sterling and unseated the NBA champions, the San Antonio Spurs.  In doing that, the old losing Clippers died and a new, more confident and winning one was born.  However, not long after that, on their way to winning the NBA championship they had a brush with death again.  They had Houston Rockets on the ropes and killing them.  Up 3-1 against Houston, they gave them one win to return home where they stormed to a 20 point lead late in game.  Then suddenly and inexplicably they began to miss their own good old losing selves and decided to start losing again.  They thought to themselves “oh, this winning thing is not all it’s cracked up to be.  We used to be happier when we were miserable.”  Even though Houston tried to lose the series really hard and let the Clippers go all the way, the Clippers would have none of it.  They rolled over and played dead.  They had the most disgraceful exit of any team in the history of basketball and effectively died again.

Then DeAndre Jordan decided to bolt to another Texas team down the road from Houston, the Dallas Mavericks, to make sure that the Clippers stay dead and don’t magically come alive.  Some say this was because the Clippers changed their logo which was so bad that Jordan he had no choice to bolt.  Others say he left because he didn’t want to play for a team whose point guard had two first names. Yet others say he did not want to play third fiddle, because it was too much pressure, and so he accepted $80 million from the Mavs to play the fourth fiddle for them.  Whatever it was, Jordan was gone. Things got so bad that even the coach’s son, Austin Rivers, decided to ditch his dad’s team and go look for another team. Perhaps he, too, will move to Texas because the state has already named a town after Austin Rivers.

So not only the city of Los Angeles does not have any football teams now, it doesn’t have any live basketball teams either.  The only question remaining is can Los Angeles support two dead basketball teams playing in the same building, and if so, should the Staples Center be called The Zombie Center?

Speaking of centers, the Clippers don’t have any.

P.S.: On Thursday, July 9th, the Clippers fans breathed a collective sigh of relief as heavens smiled on them and the basketball gods resurrected them as DeAndre Jordan reversed his earlier decision to join the Mavericks.  What really changed his mind?  He watched one episode of The Shark Tank and saw Mark Cuban’s performance and that was enough.

NEWSFLASH: Putin has just joined the Spurs

hawkster report

NEWSFLASH: In a hastily arranged press conference, Vladimir Putin has announced that he’s leaving the Moscow Basketshooters to go join the San Antonio Spurs in what could be the first of many of NBA’s titles.  Putin has always wanted to take coveted Larry O’Brian Trophy back to Kremlin and shove it inside his crowded trophy case.  The terms of the agreement were not disclosed but vodka was involved. But this amounts to a major coup for Vladimir who is no stranger to staging major coups.

The Moscow Basketshooters are currently ranked first in the MBA (Moscow Basketball Association).  They used to be called the Crimean Troublemakers until the team went through an ownership change through a hostile take-over by a rival team, the East Ukrainian Rebels.  Later it became known that the Rebels were owned by Vladimir Putin and the team as well as its arena was moved to Moscow using football…

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